Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?