Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
IT’S-A ME,
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?