People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.