@dshack8: Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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@murrman5: HI? "The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease" ME? "yes" OH "sorry it's permanent" OK
@ThatBrenna: West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I've been shot in the arm.
@jazmasta: [hitting on hot babe in bar] ".. You're 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you're not gonna believe this.."
@joshy_beck: There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.