Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
gentlemen, hear me out
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Ugh but profoundly
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]