Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days