Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
You Might Also Like
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Oh no