Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.