Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I had to Stop for this
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
He a real one for that
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.