Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You Might Also Like
this has done me in for some reason
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
#parenting
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*struts into the new year
~ trips
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
That de-escalated quickly
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
not to brag, but mine was free
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
A choir of Spring onions
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.