My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Okey dokey.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.