Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
San Francisco has too many rules
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.