@wicce_podge: Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you're too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
@Inconsteveable: Me: "Can I leave work half an hour early?" Boss: "Only if you make up the time." "OK. It's 35 past 50." Boss: "Just go.."
@daemonic3: Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!? "Mom, it's-" *dad makes throat slice gesture* "No one, Mom. No one"
@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.