Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
lol
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers