Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.