@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Tell me about yourself" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker
@turtledumplin: Boss left his email open. Me: *looks around, send email to district manager "i love you" Now we wait
@GrantTanaka: We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don't even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore