@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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@fightforfood: Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, "well, that got racist pretty fast" and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
@crunchenhancer: My wife told me she "likes it rough." So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll. -how guys understand women
@Dil_Tron: [bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?