@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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@wendchymes: I'm smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn't sure how to spell it so...
@dafloydsta: WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
@Douchekevin: Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911
@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter