@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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@SteveSuckington: *bursts out of stable on a chihuahua* "Wait, if you're here then that means" *cut to a horse peeking it's head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
@PaulyPeligroso: My mind's telling me "No!" But my body, my body's telling me "There's that chicken salad in the fridge."
@iamburtjarvis: [2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT