Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
You Might Also Like
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.