@JhonRules: Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
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@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired! ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife? BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
@CourtRundell: My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
@Mr_Kapowski: You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again
@chrisdelia: I'm pitching a show called "Walking Dad" where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.