Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.