@AmishPornStar1: Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
@huntigula: confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
@Brianhopecomedy: I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.