“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.