I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
CRYING
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.