@astutenewf: Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.
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@ThingsJackDigs: Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
@somelightcrying: [Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy. "Snow White?" Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
@SoWeirditsCool: Stalker status update: Good news-I'm not in your house. The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.