If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*