I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Milk Cube
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
channeling her this year
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me