@AudreyPorne: hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
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@fatherofcomedy: I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
@E_lok44: If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris? ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris SON: OMG!! ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?
@BarebakAssassin: Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.