hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.