hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff