hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Ooh I do like a good funnel
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors