No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
You Might Also Like
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong