Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
just having fun
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band