Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax