Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Fights fire with marshmallows
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”