Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me checking my bank balance online.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.