Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
You Might Also Like
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
the greatest twitter interaction
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day