Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child