Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!