@AndrewNadeau0: Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.
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@DelanieFischer: One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.
@lisaxy424: You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.
@OwensDamien: My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.