My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.