50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Dune (2021)
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*