My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.