Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I never needed anything more in my life
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?