Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You Might Also Like
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube