[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
plant them where lol
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*limbos away from your hug*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.