Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Every. Damn. Time.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.