Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.