@ScottLinnen: Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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@JohnnyNami: "If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn't stop them" I will never lie to my future children.
@matt___nelson: Narrator: "Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
@Douchekevin: My GFs good traits: Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon Bad traits: Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon