Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Wise advice
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow