@RealCarrotFacts: Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.
@girl_a_whirl: [Exorcism] Priest: What is your name? Demon: Jim Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim? Demon: Nice legs Carol Wife: Let's keep him. Next...
@garrettbarry70: If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I'm a mathematician.