@RealCarrotFacts: Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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@PaperWash: I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.
@QwertyJones3: [dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever
@Mitchoacan: Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
@the_couch_guy: People of Twitter: If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.