Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.