@RealCarrotFacts: Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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@rachaelkelly18: The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
@SatansTongue: *Ohio State coach* Boys, I know how we're gonna beat the Oregon Ducks "How coach" With our secret weapon *pulls out a loaf of bread*
@hollyadkison: Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.
@SortaBad: After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.