Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.