have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.