Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
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[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right