“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Owl Sanctuary
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.