Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
You Might Also Like
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”